


I'll Never Be Good Enough

by stars28



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: Eventual Romance, Hearing Voices, M/M, Recovery, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-17 22:10:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14198724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stars28/pseuds/stars28
Summary: Jack cuts because of the voice. The voice in his head, so he can't escape it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Another old ATL fanfic.

I walked off stage on a high. It had been a great show. The crowd had been fantastic, singing along to every song that Alex had sung.  
  
But then I remembered him. He made me do bad stuff to my body. After such a good night, he was surely going to punish me.  
  
"All right Jack?" Alex said, putting an arm around my shoulders.  
  
Alex, Rian and Zack don't know about him. And for that reason, I kept my whimper of pain in.  
  
I put a fake smile on my face for them.  
  
"Yeah, great crowd tonight wasn't it?"  
  
"Amazing! Did you hear them sing along to Damned If I Do Ya?" Alex asked.  
  
"I was there Alex, of course I heard them."  
  
 _"Cut yourself. Now."_ The voice said in my ear.  
  
I can't, not now. Not in front of the others.  
  
 _"Now."_  
  
I slipped my tiny blade out of my pocket and hid it in my sleeve. When Alex was talking to Zack and Rian, I pressed the sharp blade against the soft skin on my wrist and felt the blood seep out. Success.  
  
 _"Well done, you are strong Jack."_  
  
I grinned, cautiously placing the blade back in my pocket.

* * *

I was in my bunk, worn out after signing things for the fans and playing tonight. I watched the light glint off the shiny blade I held in front of my face. It was very pretty.  
  
 _"Hello Jack. Are you going to cut yourself?"_ The voice said.  
  
Yes, where would you like me to cut?  
  
 _"Your thighs would be nice."_  
  
No one ever sees the inside of my thighs, the perfect hiding place.  
  
I reached down and pulled my jeans and boxers down. Now I had a clear view of my bare thighs. I placed the blade against my unblemished skin and pressed. It hurt, but it would be worth it. Small droplets of red blood dribbled out when I removed my blade. I smiled.  
  
 _"Jack, that's not enough."_ The voice whispered.  
  
I know. Why else would I be cutting more harshly this time?  
  
More blood dribbled out of the three shallow cuts now on my thigh. I sighed, that should be enough.  
  
 _"Well done Jack."_ And the voice disappeared.

* * *

"Jack! We're going out!" Alex yelled.  
  
I pulled my jeans and boxers back up, covering the healing cuts on my thighs and got up. Alex ran straight into me. I fell to the floor.  
  
"Ow. Fuck." I said, as I had opened up the cuts on my thighs and, at the same time, landed on my cut wrist.  
  
Alex put out a hand to help me up, I grasped it with my left hand, not thinking.  
  
"Holy shit Jack, what's that?" Alex said, grabbing my arm and pulling the sleeve up. He stared at the slowly bleeding cut on my wrist.  
  
"A cut." I said, removing my hand from his grip and shrugging my sleeve back down, covering my wrist.  
  
"Right."

* * *

I always carry my blade around with me, as I never know when he is going to ask me to cut again.  
  
Like now for instance. I was in a bar with Alex, Rian and Zack, getting slowly drunker with each beer I had.  
  
I held onto the wall as I made my way giddily to the bathroom. I laughed.  
  
 _"Jack."_  
  
The voice was back. Do you want me to cut?  
  
 _"Of course Jack. Where are you going to cut Jack?"_  
  
My shoulders, they're easy to reach and plus, I get more pain from there as people are always hugging me.  
  
 _"Excellent."_  
  
Just as I pulled my top off to cut, Alex came in.  
  
 _"Continue Jack."_ said the voice.  
  
"Jack, what are you doing?" He asked, stumbling towards me.  
  
I can't, not when Alex is here.  
  
 _"He's drunk, he won't notice."_  
  
I think he'd notice if I plunged a blade into my shoulder.  
  
 _"Fine, delay. It'll be worse for you later on you know Jack."_  
  
Fine.  
  
The voice went silent.  
  
I turned my attention to Alex, who was struggling to stay standing.  
  
I put my top back on and said to Alex, "What's up?"  
  
"Why did you have your top off Jack?" He asked.  
  
"Oh, I felt a bit hot, so I thought I'd cool off."  
  
Alex titled his head to the left, "Why didn't you just go outside?"  
  
"Couldn't be bothered."  
  
He looked as though he accepted my answer, for now.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up with a start. I breathed in and out steadily, looking around the bus. I saw Alex in the opposite bunk, sleeping soundly.  
  
 _"Jack, it's silent and dark. No one can see what you're doing."_ The voice said.  
  
You want me to cut?  
  
 _"Yes."_  
  
I got my blade out from under my pillow and scraped it gently along my shoulder, leaving a small trail of blood.  
  
 _"More Jack."_  
  
As requested, I applied more pressure to the shiny blade and I felt pain radiating from my left shoulder as more blood leaked out.  
  
Do you want more?  
  
 _"Yes."_  
  
I moved my blade further along my shoulder, near my neck and then dragged it harshly down my arm. I gasped in pain.  
  
Is that enough?  
  
 _"Yes Jack."_

* * *

"Jack! Jack! Wake up!" Someone yelled.  
  
I muttered unintelligibly into my pillow.  
  
"Come on Jack, wake up!" They yelled again.  
  
I flapped my left hand at the source of the annoying sound. I said, "Go away."  
  
Their hand gripped mine firmly and yanked the sleeve up.  
  
My eyes snapped open and I tried to pull my arm away. Fucking hell.  
  
"Jack?" He said, his brown eyes on my face.  
  
I pushed my black hair out of my eyes. I rubbed my eyes with my right hand.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"What - what's this?" Alex said worriedly.  
  
I pulled my arm out of his grip and stood up, letting the sleeve cover my cut up.  
  
"Nothing." I replied.  
  
"That is not nothing Jack!" He exclaimed heatly, pointing at my arm, "There's obviously something wrong! Jack, tell me, please."  
  
 _"So, Alex has found out, has he?"_  
  
Yes, no thanks to you.  
  
 _"Well, that's what happens when you're lazy and useless. To be honest, I'm surprised he cares at all."_  
  
Is that true, that I'm useless and lazy?  
  
 _"Of course it is. Why would I lie to you?"_  
  
You would never lie to me.  
  
 _"Exactly."_  
  
"Jack?"  
  
"Yes Alex?" I said.  
  
"What happened then? You just spaced out."  
  
I don't think Alex would respond well to me telling him that the voice in my head was telling me to cut myself and that I was clearly obeying it.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Tell me what's wrong Jack, so I can help. Please." He begged.  
  
"Nothing's wrong Alex. Honestly. I'm fine."  
  
 _"Yes, you're fine."_


	3. Chapter 3

It had been a few uneventful days since Alex had begged me to tell him what was wrong. Apart from the voice telling me to cut, nothing had really happened. Oh wait, I'd virtually stopped eating.  
  
"Jack, are you going to eat something?" Rian asked from across the table.  
  
"I guess." I replied, twirling my knife in my hands.  
  
 _"You can't eat, you are doing so well. Remember that."_  
  
Thanks.  
  
"I'll eat it, if you like." Zack said, pointing at the untouched food on my plate.  
  
"Ok." I pushed the plate towards him.  
  
"Why aren't you eating?" Alex asked.  
  
 _"You're not hungry."_  
  
"I'm just not hungry. Maybe later."  
  
I got up from the table where Zack, Rian and Alex were still eating.  
  
My world went black.

* * *

I blinked slowly, allowing my eyes time to adjust to the dim light of my bunk.  
  
 _"Jack, you fainted. They noticed."_ said the voice.  
  
Really? I never would've guessed.  
  
 _"You'll pay later on for making them notice you Jack."_ The voice said and then it went quiet.  
  
"Jack? How are you feeling?" Alex's worried face came into view. I could see Zack and Rian behind him.  
  
"Alright. Why am I here?" I asked, even though I already knew the answer.  
  
"Jack, you fainted mate," Rian said, "Gave us a right scare, you did."  
  
"Why did you faint?" Zack asked.  
  
I shrugged my shoulders and then winced slightly as the healing gash in my arm rubbed against the material of my top.  
  
"What?" Alex said, sitting on my bunk, bending his neck so he could fit.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
He laughed, unamused, "Jack, last time you said that, I found a massive gash in your arm. Tell me."  
  
 _"Lie to him. He doesn't need to know."_  
  
I can't, not with those beautiful eyes looking at me.  
  
 _"Lie."_ The voice demanded.  
  
No.  
  
"The gash just rubbed against my shirt, that's all." I said.  
  
"Oh."  
  
 _"I told you to lie. And yet, you chose to ignore me and tell the truth instead. Useless."_  
  
Shut up. Go away.  
  
"You'll never get rid of me. I'll always be there."  
  
Rian and Zack went to the front of the bus, leaving Alex and I alone together.  
  
"Jack," Alex said, stroking my calf absentmindedly, "Why cut? And why stop eating? Why would you do that to yourself?"  
  
 _"I'm surprised he noticed Jack."_  
  
Of course, he'd notice - he is my best friend after all.  
  
 _"Some best friend."_  
  
What's that meant to mean?  
  
 _"Oh nothing."_  
  
Ok...  
  
"Why cut? I don't know Alex." I replied.  
  
"There must be a reason Jack." He sounded close to tears.  
  
I looked at him and sure enough, there were unshed tears glistening in his brown eyes.  
  
"The voice in my head, he makes me do it." I said, reaching over and pulling Alex into a hug. His tears fell on my long-sleeved top. Gently, I stroked his soft brown hair. He was gorgeous.  
  
"T - the voice? Alex said, hiccups overtaking him.  
  
"Yes, the voice. Don't ask me where he comes from. He's just there."  
  
He pulled away, wiping his tears away.  
  
"Why were you crying?" I said.  
  
"Me? Because you're hurting yourself and there's nothing I can do to stop it."  
  
"Alex... Don't think like that." I said.

* * *

 _"I'm back Jack."_  
  
No, go away. I don't feel like cutting now.  
  
 _"Tough, you're going to cut anyway."_  
  
Can't make me.  
  
 _"Oh, I can."_  
  
No, I'm not going to cut.  
  
 _"Pick up your blade Jack. Look how inviting it is. It would look even prettier sunk into your pale skin. The contrast would be beautiful, wouldn't it?"_  
  
Maybe it would.  
  
Having picked up my blade, I studied it carefully. I thought about what the voice had said, about it being pretty. I had a sudden vision of it in my wrist with red blood seeping out of the side of the cut.  
  
Maybe.  
  
I had another vision. This time of Alex earlier, when he was crying. He was amazing. He had said that he was crying because I was hurting myself and he couldn't stop it. But I could stop it.  
  
 _"Are you going to cut? The top of your arms would my nice."_  
  
No, I'm not going to cut.  
  
 _"You have to Jack, it's your way of dealing."_  
  
No it isn't. Go away.  
  
I got out of my bunk silently and crept across the tour bus to Alex's bunk. I eased myself into his arms under the covers.  
  
The voice had gone.  
  
I fell asleep, with Alex breathing gently on my neck.


	4. Chapter 4

"Why are you in my bunk?" Alex asked, not bothering to move his arms from around me.  
  
"The voice. He came back." I said, "He wanted me to cut, but I wouldn't. What if he comes back?"  
  
I saw Alex thinking it over.  
  
"Jack, once you'd got into my bed with me, did he come back?"  
  
I shook my head, "No."  
  
"Well, guess where you're sleeping tonight?" Alex said, smiling.  
  
"With you?"  
  
"Yeah. Now let's get some breakfast." He said, pulling me out of his bunk and into the kitchenette.  
  
"Morning Rian, Zack." I said, sitting down.  
  
Rian yawned, "Morning."  
  
"Hello." Zack grunted, eating his waffle.  
  
"Jack, do you want a waffle?" Alex asked.  
  
"I guess..."  
  
He brought two plates with a waffle on each on them, and put them on the table. He watched as I put sugar on mine. He followed each forkful into my mouth with his eyes. Once I'd finished, he attacked his own.  
  
"Did you have to watch me eat it all?" I asked.  
  
"Yes."

* * *

"This has been absolutely fucking amazing! Don't you think Alex?" I said to the crowd, who were screaming their lungs out.  
  
"Yes. I love all you guys, you're awesome!" Alex said.  
  
The crowd screamed even louder, if that was possible.  
  
"Even me? Awww... Why thank you Alex." I said, putting an arm over his shoulders.  
  
"That's it for us guys, thank you!" He said.  
  
We went off stage.

* * *

 _"Hello Jack. Cut now."_ The voice was back.  
  
No. I don't need or want to. Fuck off.  
  
 _"Not until you cut Jack."_  
  
I squeezed my cut wrist firmly until blood came out.  
  
 _"It'll do."_  
  
"Jack? Why is your wrist bleeding?" Alex asked, coming in from the kitchenette.  
  
"He came back Alex." I said, trying to stop the bleeding.  
  
"Oh Jack. Come here." He said, grabbing some tissues and putting them over the cut.  
  
I watched as the tissues soaked up the blood. Finally, with Alex putting pressure on the cut, the bleeding stopped.  
  
After he'd put the bloodied tissues in the bin, I said, "Thank you."  
  
Alex smiled, "It's cool. We're best friends."

* * *

"Come on." Alex said, getting into his bunk and waiting for me.  
  
"I'm not sure. How about if he comes back, then I get in your bed?" I said, standing above him.  
  
"No Jack, because by the time you get into my bed, you'll probably have cut yourself. So get in."  
  
I knew he wasn't going to give up, so I got under the covers and Alex put his arm around me. We fell asleep like that.

* * *

I stretched, carefully so I didn't wake Alex who had his arms flung over my chest.  
  
As he slept peacefully, I realized that last night was the first proper nights' sleep I'd had in a while, without him waking me up and making me cut, all because of Alex.  
  
I didn't feel like moving away from Alex's warm embrace so I stayed there, snuggled under the covers with him, my head next to his on the pillow. I closed my eyes.

* * *

"Hey Jack." Someone poked me in the side.  
  
"What?" I muttered, annoyed.  
  
"You need to get up." He said.  
  
"No, I don't."  
  
His cool fingertips scraped along my jaw, effectively waking me up.  
  
I sat up, wiping my eyes. I said, "Why must I get up?"  
  
"Because we have an interview Jack."  
  
 _"Morning Jack. When are you going to cut today?"_ The voice said.  
  
Piss off.  
  
I got up. Alex dragged me towards the front of the bus, where Rian and Zack were.  
  
"Hello to you too." I grumbled.  
  
"Awww... I'm sorry, was I ignoring you?" Alex said, ruffling my hair.  
  
I scowled, brushing my hair away from my face with my right hand.  
  
I sat down on the couch. Alex sat next to me and swiveled so his legs were across my lap. Zack and Rian joined us, sitting on either end of the couch. Rian yawned widely.  
  
I leant my head back until it hit the cushion behind me. I closed my eyes, hoping for a few minutes extra sleep. But it seemed that sleep wasn't going to be an option, when Matt strolled in and told us to get showered and dressed.

* * *

"Jack, you look different." The interviewer said, looking at me.  
  
Unconsciously, I pulled the sleeves on my top down while I replied, "In a good way, I hope." I laughed.  
  
"Umm... You look thinner, like you've lost weight."  
  
I swore in my head.  
  
"Well..." I said, trying to buy time.  
  
Alex's hand patted my right shoulder as he said, "We have been busy, doing shows and all that, but I can assure you he's been eating fine." He laughed.  
  
The interviewer seemed to be satisfied by Alex's answer. Thank God  
  
I glanced at him gratefully. He shrugged his shoulders, as if to say "Eh, you would've done the same for me."  
  
Which was true.

* * *

I clutched my left arm in agony. Blood seeped though my long-sleeved top. I knew I should've worn a darker coloured top.  
  
"Shit! That hurts like hell!" I said, continuing into the tour bus. I had managed to smack my arm on the side of the bus, hence all the blood and the swearing.  
  
I sat down on the couch, still clutching my arm. It really did hurt, a throbbing going through my entire arm.  
  
Matt walked through the door, along with the rest of the guys.  
  
"Hey Ja- Holy shit man. What happened?" Matt said.  
  
Alex was next to me in seconds.  
  
"I banged my arm. It hurts." I winced as Alex slowly rolled my sleeve up to get a better look.  
  
"Jesus Christ Jack. How aren't you screaming your head off?" Rian said.  
  
I shrugged. And then winced again.  
  
"Right, you are going to hospital. No arguments." Matt said in his don't-fuck-with-me voice.  
  
"Ok." I said, getting up and shoving my trainers back on.  
  
"I'm going with him." Alex said from behind me.  
  
"Fine. Don't attract too much attention. I'll ring ahead and tell them to expect you."  
  
"Uh-huh." Alex said as I patiently waited for him to find his other trainer.  
  
I tapped my fingers against the doorframe, aware of the pain radiating from my arm.  
  
"Hurry up Alex." I said as he found his trainer and put it on.  
  
I opened the door and almost fell off the step but a hand grabbed me before I could fall.  
  
"Maybe you should lean on me." Alex said, smiling slightly.  
  
"Maybe I should." I replied, slinging my good arm over his shoulder.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
We walked to the car in a comfy silence, the sort that comes around after you've known each other for years.

* * *

I walked into the hospital with Alex dragging his feet behind me. I'd forgotten how much he hated hospitals.  
  
Gently I intertwined my fingers with his and murmured, "It'll be fine, we'll be out of here in a bit."  
  
I heard his breathing increase, along with the grip he had on my fingers.  
  
"Come on." I said, carefully pulling Alex with me to the desk.  
  
"Hi. I'm Jack Barakat. I think Matt Flyzik called ahead of me?" I said to the woman sitting behind the desk.  
  
"Oh yes, come with me." She said, getting up and walking from behind the desk to in front of Alex and I. She then beckoned us to follow her down the long white corridor.  
  
Alex's fingers tightened their grip on mine. I rubbed them with mine comfortingly. His fingers relaxed a bit.  
  
The nurse ushered us into a white room with an examining table and a couple of chairs.  
  
Silently, I persuaded Alex to let go of my hand. I then lay down on the metal table, which was really quite uncomfortable, and Alex sat on one of the chairs.  
  
The nurse came over and told me to take my shirt and long-sleeved top off, which I did. I heard Alex gasp in shock.  
  
I had dozens more scars on both my shoulders, plus the massive gash that was still bleeding.  
  
"Jesus." Alex muttered.  
  
The nurse cleaned the gash up, which stung a bit. She then put a bandage on.  
  
I turned to Alex while she was doing that, a thought having stuck me.  
  
"Alex, this," I said gesturing at my bandaged arm, "means I won't be able to play."  
  
"Shit."  
  
"Yeah.


	5. Chapter 5

"...So long story short, I can't play for a week at least." I finished saying to Matt, Zack, Rian and the rest of the crew.  
  
"How many shows were we meant to play this week Matt?" Zack asked.  
  
"Three, plus two interviews," Matt replied, "But this gives us a slight problem."  
  
"Interviews I can still do. Having a bandaged arm doesn't stop me talking."  
  
"Unfortunately." Rian muttered.  
  
"Hey!" I exclaimed, throwing a cushion at him, "But the fans are going to ask why I've got a bandaged arm. What am I going to say?"  
  
"You could always hide it, under those long-sleeved t-shirts of yours." Zack suggested.  
  
"Hm. Maybe. But if it comes up, I'll just say that I hurt myself. They know how much of a klutz I am."

* * *

 _"Jack... Cut."_  
  
I shivered and got out of my bunk and padded across to Alex's. I shook him until he opened an eye blearily.  
  
"What?" He said, his voice rough from sleep.  
  
"He came back. Can I sleep here?" I asked, moving from foot to foot in an attempt to keep myself warm.  
  
"Mm-hm." He lifted the cover and I slid in next to him, his arm wrapping around my waist, pulling me into him.  
  
I shifted my left arm until it was comfartable. Just before I fell asleep I heard Alex mutter,  
  
"Jack, I love you, more than a best friend should, but I don't care."  
  
I fell asleep, my mind going blissfully blank.

* * *

When I woke up the next morning, I was spooning with Alex. His arms were looped around me tightly and he was breathing on the back of my neck. I was comfy.  
  
Then I remembered he'd said he loved me. I lay there, trying not to move in case I woke Alex. He loved me?  
  
Why isn't that as weird as I thought it might be? Wait, I'd thought about Alex loving me before?  
  
But it made sense, now that I thought about it. Why he was so worried when he first saw my gash; why he'd cried when he found out about my cutting; why he was the first one at my side when I'd reopened my wound; why he'd pushed through his fear of hospitals; he loved me.

* * *

After taking a shower, which is hard when you've got a bandage can't get wet, I got dressed and went into the front lounge, where Rian, Zack, Alex and Matt were discussing how they were going to do the shows without me.  
  
"Well, we could always cancel the shows." Matt suggested.  
  
This suggestion was shot down instantly by the other three. And I can't blame them. Yes, the fans would understand, but that wasn't the point. The fans got us to where we are now, if we back out of a show, we aren't giving them what their payment is, essentially.  
  
"Matt, we can't quit a show. The fans got us to where we are now." Alex said.  
  
It didn't surprise me that Alex had been having the same thoughts. Maybe we'd been best friends for too long.  
  
"Alex is right Matt, we can't quit." Zack said. Rian nodded his agreement.  
  
"Would it really be that hard for me to play at least one show?" I asked. They looked over to me, evidently they didn't hear me come in.  
  
"Well, it depends on whether you can actually manage to play your guitar." Zack said.  
  
"I could always try, can't I?"  
  
As soon as the comment was out of my mouth, Zack had gone from the room. A few minutes later he came back, holding my guitar. He handed it to me and went to sit back down.  
  
Cautiously, I slipped the strap over my shoulder and moved my left arm up to grip the neck of the guitar.  
  
"Ow, shit, _fuck._ " I said, sliding the guitar off me and leaning it against the sofa.  
  
"That rules out any playing." Matt said.  
  
"Damn."

* * *

Danny was doing reasonably well, doing my job. I held a roll of toilet paper in my right hand. I was stood at the side of the stage, just out of sight of the fans.  
  
As "Shameless" came to an end, I threw the toilet paper onstage, hitting Alex on the head. I laughed.  
  
He looked at me and ran over. He dragged me onstage. The screams of the crowd increased. I grinned.  
  
I put my arm over his shoulders, pulling him closer. Alex looked at me quizzically, raising an eyebrow.  
  
I smirked, knowing he had no idea what I was about to do. I moved my right hand up to cup his chin and his eyes widened. I slowly pressed my lips to his. Our lips moved in unison for a minute and then I pulled away.  
  
The crowd was screaming their lungs out in appreciation of the kiss. I grinned again and went offstage.

* * *

"What was that?" Alex asked, after the show.  
  
I looked up from the television I was watching to be faced with a wet and topless Alex. I'm not complaining, wait, wait, wait, _WHAT?_  
  
Since when do I like seeing Alex topless, I thought. My eyes absent-mindedly followed a droplet of water slide down, over his collarbone, and slowly trickled down across his flat, taut stomach. I licked my lips, how I would like to slowly lick all the way from his collarbone to his dick. Mmm...  
  
"Er... Jack?" Alex said, waving a hand in front of my face.  
  
"Huh? What?" I spluttered, my eyes fixing on his.  
  
"I asked, Jack, what was that?"  
  
"What was what?" I said.  
  
"The kiss onstage."  
  
"Oh that."  
  
"Yes that." He said, sitting next to me, our thighs brushing against each other.  
  
"The fans love the whole 'Jalex' thing, so I thought I'd play along." I explained.  
  
I wasn't entirely concentrating on our conversation, being more than a little distracted by our legs touching.  
  
"Fair enough. Are you gonna do that for the rest of the shows?" Alex asked.  
  
"Might do." I said, shrugging, trying not to seem too eager. I would love to kiss his soft lips again.  
  
"Ok."


	6. Chapter 6

I hadn't been able to get the image of a topless and wet Alex out of my head all evening. I'd eventually given in and gone to my bunk.  
  
"Uh, uh, uh..." I pumped my hand faster, feeling the white-hot sensation building in the stomach.  
  
"Alexander..." I growled as my orgasm ripped through me, my body going slack, causing me to collapse backwards onto my pillow.  
  
I lay there for a few minutes before cleaning myself up and going back to the guys.  
  
Rian and Zack were playing Mario Karts on the X-Box and Alex was watching them from the other sofa.  
  
I went over to Alex and curled up next to him.  
  
"I'm getting bored of watching these two fail at that." Alex muttered in my ear.  
  
"We're not that bad!" Rian exclaimed, throwing a quick glare at Alex, causing him to fly off the track on the TV  
  
Zack chuckled.  
  
"Wanna go to to my bunk and watch a DVD?" I asked, winding my fingers into his soft brown hair.  
  
"Sounds good to me." He replied, getting up and pulling me with him.  
  
I followed behind, watching his ass sway from side to side. I licked my lips.  
  
"What d'you wanna watch? And don't say Home Alone." Alex asked me, crawling into my bunk.  
  
Shame we weren't in there for another reason.  
  
"Lion King?" I suggested, passing Alex the portable DVD player.  
  
"Alright."

* * *

Over the last month, I'd been jerking off more and more to the thought of Alex. It was like girls just didn't hit the spot anymore, but Alex somehow did.  
  
"Alexander..." I groaned, muffled partly by my hand that I'd jammed in my mouth to stop the rest of the guys, specially not Alex, from hearing me.  
  
I cleaned up quickly and then checked the time on my iPhone. It was almost eleven o'clock. I got up, knowing that Matt would be waking us up soon anyway.  
  
"Morning Matt." I said as I passed him.  
  
"Hello Jack. We've got a show in five hours." He said, on his way to wake everyone else up.  
  
"Good luck waking everyone else up. I think we all drank a little too much last night, don't you think?"  
  
"We do that anyway." Someone said from behind me. They put their arms around me and rested their head on my shoulder. I looked down to see Alex's dark brown eyes looking up at me. I pecked him softly on the forehead.  
  
He smiled widely, which sent butterflies in my stomach. I grinned back.  
  
"Hey Matt, what's for breakfast?" Alex said.  
  
"I don't know, go and find some." Our tour manager replied.  
  
"Sounds like we've got a job to do." I said, ruffling his hair.  
  
"Let's go." Alex said, pulling me by the hand out of the bus.

* * *

"Hey Jack, I noticed you haven't been cutting." Alex said while eating a plate of pancakes drowning in syrup.  
  
"Yeah. I haven't cut since... that time when you pressed a tissue against my wrist to stop the bleeding. D'you remember that?" I said, taking a bite of my bacon sandwich.  
  
He nodded, "Yeah. That was over a month ago. Well done."  
  
I smiled, happy that he'd noticed the seemingly insignificant thing about me.  
  
My phone buzzed. I slid my finger across the screen, unlocking it. It was Zack.  
  
 **Where are you? -Zack.**  
  
I replied, my fingers flying across the touchscreen.  
  
 **In Denny's. Across from the bus.**  
  
I put my phone back in my jean pocket.  
  
"Who was that?" Alex asked.  
  
"Just Zack. He wanted to know where food could be found." I said, laughing slightly.  
  
Alex laughed, his eyes sparkling.  
  
God, he was beautiful, I thought.  
  
"I can't believe it's our last show tonight and then the tour's over." Alex said.  
  
I shifted my foot so it was resting on Alex's thigh.  
  
"I know. They always go so quick." I replied, moving my other foot up to rest on the seat next to Alex.  
  
"But we always have such a good time, don't we? It's like an eight month long party."  
  
I laughed because it was so true.


	7. Chapter 7

"Jack, wake up, we're at your house." Someone said, shaking my shoulder.  
  
"No..." I muttered, burying my head into the warm crook of neck I was resting on.  
  
"Jack, come on." They said from near my head.  
  
I cracked an eye open to find Alex's face right next to mine, with a warm smile on his.  
  
"Don't want to. Warm and comfy here." I protested weakly, snuggling further in.  
  
"Jack. Move. Now." That was Matt.  
  
I got up, grumbling, "Fine, fine. Evil people." I glared at Matt and Alex before going into the back of the tour bus to collect my things. I walked back to the front of the bus, with my bag in my hand.  
  
"See you." I said.  
  
"Bye Jack!" Alex called.  
  
I stepped out into the cold air and then the bus drove off.  
  
I went into my house and turned the lights on. I noticed that there was pile of clean washing next to the sofa.  
  
"Thanks Mum." I muttered, walking to the stairs. I stripped off my skinny jeans and JAGK t-shirt and went to bed.  
  
I snuggled under my covers, my eyes slipping shut as I fell asleep.

* * *

 _"Hello Jack."_  
  
Go away.  
  
 _"Your precious Alex isn't here to help you sleep and protect you from me."_ The voice whispered in my ear.  
  
I know, but I can protect myself you know.  
  
 _"No you can't. You see you're already picking up your blade, admiring it."_  
  
I'm not, I'm just moving out of my way.  
  
 _"So you are afraid that you'll cut again. That's why you're moving it. Think about it Jack, you deserve this, the pain and then the relief after the pain. Remember it. You're ugly and useless, I'm surprised Alex has put up with you for so long."_ The voice said seductively.  
  
Maybe he's right, I am ugly and useless. Maybe I  should cut again, for the relief.  
  
But Alex... I can't upset him, I can't. I felt tears leaking out of my eyes and running down my cheeks.  
  
 _"Just cut Jack, it'll make everything better."_  
  
I reached for my iPhone that was on my bedside table and pressed speed-dial. I tried to control the sobbing that had overtook me, but failed.  
  
"Well, what do you expect? You are a failure."  
  
"Jack?" Alex's sleepy voice came through the speaker of my phone.  
  
"Alex, I-I-I n-need you. Come o-o-o-over." I managed to say through my tears.  
  
"Jack, are you crying?"  
  
"Hic! Yeah. Just come over. Please." I pleaded. I didn't want to be alone in case the voice came back.  
  
"Ok."  
  
Shakily, I reached for the lamp and turned it on, lighting up the bedroom. I stayed curled up under the covers, sobbing quietly.  
  
"Jack? Where are you?" I heard Alex's voice call upstairs.  
  
I attempted to wipe away my tears before Alex came into my bedroom. He stood in the doorway.  
  
"Alex, please. Come here." I whispered, my voice horse from crying.  
  
"Jack, why are crying?" He asked, walking over and sitting next to me.  
  
"H-h-he came back and tried to make me cut Alex. He told me I was useless and ugly. And I almost did." I said, muffling my sobs in his shoulder.  
  
I felt his hands rub circles on my back, comforting me.  
  
"Hush, hush Jack. I'm here now. He won't come back, trust me." Alex  murmured in my ear.  
  
After ten minutes, my sobs lessened and I pulled away from his warm shoulder.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"What for Jack?" Alex asked, stretching his arms.  
  
I tried to ignore that strip of smooth skin that was visible just under his t-shirt.  
  
"For waking you up and come over here at," I checked my phone, "three in the morning."  
  
"It's cool. Shall we get some sleep?"  
  
I nodded. I pulled the covers up to my chin, trying not to stare as Alex took his sweatpants off and his t-shirt, leaving him in only his boxers. Mmm...  
  
He crawled into bed and snuggled into me, so his head was resting on my shoulder and his arm looped over my bate stomach. That sent pleasant shivers through my body.  
  
"What's the matter?" Alex said indistinctly, as his face was pressed into my shoulder.  
  
"Uh, nothing." I lied.


	8. Chapter 8

_“You are my only one, my only one...”_ Alex sung softly in my ear.  
  
I stayed quiet, like I was sleeping for a few extra seconds, so he wouldn’t know I had been awake to hear his admission. I heard Alex shuffle away from my face, but our legs were still touching, which gave me butterflies. I thought he was the one in love with me, not the other way around?  
  
Holy shit, I like Alex, as in more than a friend. That’s what all the butterflies were about and the thrill I felt when I had kissed him onstage. Fuck.  
  
I opened my eyes to find Alex’s face inches from mine. I looked at his ‘sleeping’ face for a few minutes. His face was completely relaxed and his hair was covering his eyes. I pushed it out of them and, as I did so, his eyes cracked open.  
  
“Morning.” Alex croaked his voice raw from sleep.  
  
He was just so adorable when he’d just woken up.  
  
“Morning to you too Alex.” I said, smiling.  
  
Absent-mindedly, I stroked his hair. He looked at me.  
  
“What? It’s so soft.”  
  
Alex shrugged and then got up, exposing his bare chest. I’d forgotten about that. I stared at him as he put his clothes back on.  
  
“Like what you see?” Alex said.  
  
“No.” I replied.  
  
He laughed, going out of the room.  
  
I got up and put a pair of grey sweatpants on and a random t-shirt and went downstairs. Alex was in the kitchen, cooking.  
  
I raised an eyebrow, “Are you sure that’s wise?”  
  
He turned to look at me and said, “I can make bacon sandwiches you know. It’s about the only thing I can actually make, but still, I can cook.”  
  
I went in and jumped up onto the kitchen surface. My eyes followed his ass as it moved from side to side as he fried the bacon.  
  
“So when you’re at home, you live on bacon sandwiches?” I asked, forcing my eyes away from his swaying ass.  
  
“No, what else do you think take-aways are for?”  
  
I laughed.

* * *

“What are we gonna do today then?” I asked Alex who was sitting opposite me, devouring his bacon sandwich.  
  
“What about going to the mall?” He mumbled through his mouthful.  
  
“Yeah, ok, that sounds good.”

* * *

When we went to the mall, the first person we saw was Tay.  
  
She spotted us and walked over.  
  
“Alex!” She said.  
  
“Hey Tay, how are you?” Alex asked, being the nice person that he was.  
  
“I’m good, you?” She replied, ignoring me completely.  
  
They chatted for a few minutes. Well, when I say chatted, I really mean lots of hopeless flirting on Tay’s behalf and Alex being completely oblivious to it. I growled at the thought of Tay with him.  
  
Alex looked at me, “Hey man, what’s up?”  
  
“Nothing,” I lied.  
  
I was so jealous of Tay, it was almost unbelievable. She had captured his attention and she wasn’t letting go. I sighed sadly before walking away. Alex didn’t even notice.  
  
I met a few fangirls and dutifully signed their stuff, but my heart wasn’t in it. My mind was on Alex and Tay. What if they got back together? What if she took my Alex away from me? Hold on... my Alex? Since when was he mine?  
  
I went outside, into the cold air. I shivered, I’d only brought a hoodie and that wasn’t enough to keep the biting air at bay. I sat down on the wall near the parking lot and waited for Alex to either come looking for me or for him to call me.  
  
I sighed again and put my head in my hands, looking at the floor. The door of the mall opened and I looked up. It was Alex – my heart jumped in my chest – and Tay. My heart fell to the floor. I could hear their laughter floating on the wind.  
  
But Alex loves me, I thought passionately. He loves me, not Tay. He said so himself.


	9. Chapter 9

_"Are you sure about that?"_ The voice said in my ear.  
  
Yes. Completely sure.  
  
 _"Really?"_  
  
Yes, now go away.  
  
"Jack! Come over here!" Alex yelled, his brown hair being whipped into his eyes by the wind.  
  
As I walked over I noticed that Tay was clutching his right hand. Tears sprung to my eyes and I turned away and walked in the other direction.  
  
"Jack! Where are you going?" Alex called through the wind.  
  
I couldn't answer, if I had, I would've started crying there and then. I heard footsteps behind me and then felt a hand grip my shoulder. I shook it free and ran away from Alex, towards my house.  
  
I knew it wasn't a smart idea, after all he had a key to my house, but it was the only place I could think of.

* * *

I slammed my front door, locked it and slid down to the tiled floor. I slowed my breathing until it was normal again.  
  
I leant forward until my forehead was on the floor and I was sprawled across the hallway. Tears were streaming down my face, I realized.  
  
"Jack! Let me in!" Alex yelled.  
  
"No." I said, still on the floor.  
  
"Jack, come on, let me in." Alex pleaded.  
  
"No."  
  
I heard him sigh and a thump as he slide down to sit on the other side of my door.  
  
I wiped the tears away with the back of my hand.  
  
I can't face him, not when he says he loves me, but then still goes out with Tay.  
  
 _"Cut, it'll help your pain."_ The voice murmured in my ear.  
  
Maybe it would, I thought.  
  
I stood up and went into the kitchen, checking behind me to see if Alex had managed to gain entry to my house yet. I browsed the drawers, searching for a suitable knife to cut myself with. I found one and sat down on the kitchen floor.  
  
First I lightly traced my forearms with the tip of the knife and then I pressed down harder until blood seeped out.  
  
"Jack." A voice said.  
  
I looked up and saw Alex stood near the door. He had tears running down his face.  
  
I stopped cutting and put the knife down next to me.  
  
"Jack, why?" Alex choked, walking over to me and sitting next to me.  
  
I sniffed, "Y-y-you said you love me, several times and then you go out with her."  
  
"How do you know that?" He replied, shocked.  
  
"Well, you sort of told me about a month and a half ago...  
  
"I did?"  
  
"Yeah you said, if I remember correctly, _'I love you, more than a best friend should, but I don't care.'_ " I explained, watching his hands as they wiped away the blood.  
  
"You were awake?"  
  
"Just about."  
  
Alex blushed, "Crap."


	10. Chapter 10

He looked so sweet when he blushed. Aww...  
  
Slowly I pushed his brown hair out of his eyes and our eyes connected, brown on brown. A spark raced through me.  
  
I smiled and cupped his chin gently with my left hand. His eyes widened slightly. I pulled his lips towards mine and then his eyes fluttered shut, as did mine moments later.  
  
Our lips moved in unison, like two pieces of a puzzle fitting together. Tentatively, I let my tongue traced his bottom lip, begging for entrance. His lips moved and my tongue slipped in between them. Alex's tongue invaded my mouth. I moaned as his tongue battled with mine.  
  
We pulled away from each other, both of us breathless.  
  
Alex looked at me, "Why did you kiss me?"  
  
"I wanted to." I said.  
  
"Wanted to?" He questioned, titling his head.  
  
I looked at the floor, "Erm... yeah."  
  
"Why?"  
  
I really didn't want to say, but then I remembered he loved me, so I couldn't go wrong - could it?  
  
"Well, over the past month and a bit, I've been feeling different around you - like I'm noticing tiny insignificant things about you, like how you sleep with your legs twisted in the sheets and how you always stretch your arms just before you go onstage. The little things that make you, you. All the small things that no one else would notice, but I do. It's like I've been constantly tuned into where you are when you're in the room. Like I've been hypnotized by your eyes, cause you're all I dream about." I said.  
  
"You notice all that?" Alex whispered.  
  
It was my turn to blush madly, "Yeah."  
  
His fingers pulled my face to his, our noses were almost touching.  
  
"No one's ever told me they notice all the tiny things about me. Never." Alex said.  
  
"There's always a first time for everything, isn't there?" I chuckled before pressing our lips together again.


End file.
